Tool Humor
FOR MEN WHO THINK THEY KNOW ABOUT TOOLsS
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> 1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
> flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
> chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
> that freshly painted part you were drying.
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> 2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
> whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you
> to say, "shit!"
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> 3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
> holes until you die of old age.
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> 4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
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> 5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> dismal your
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> future becomes.
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> 6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
> available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
> the palm of your hand.
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> 7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various
> flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
> grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out
> of.
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> 8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or
> 1/2"
> socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
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> 9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
> After you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
> handle firmly under the bumper.
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> 10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an
> automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
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> 11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially
> Douglas fir.
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> 12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
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> hydraulic floor jack.
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> 13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
> for
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> spreading mayonnaise; also useful for removing dog shit from your
> boots.
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> 14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt
> holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
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> 15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
> tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
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> 16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2" x 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
> that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
> end without the handle.
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> 17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
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> 18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes
> called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
> vitamin,"
> which
> is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its
> main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
> that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few
> hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name
> is somewhat misleading.
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> 19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used,
> as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw
> heads.
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> 20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
> coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
> compressed air that travels by hose to an pneumatic impact wrench that
> grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and
> rounds them off.
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> 21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
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> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
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> 22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
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> 23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
> now-a-days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts
> not far from the object we are trying to hit.
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> 24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
> well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal,
> plastic parts and the other hand not holding the knife.
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> 25. ANY MULTI-TOOL, usually offered on TV infomercials purported to
> fit any size nut, bolt, screw, smooth, slotted, hexagonal, square,
> Teflon, ridged, slick all for only $19.95 and "if you order now you
> get two of them (because they are so cheap and useless, we even feel
> guilty about selling them to
> you)": Alternate uses: good paperweight, pretty good trout line weight.
> good
> glass breaker if you're trapped in your car, and the best use of
> all...just something to throw that not even the dog will bring back.
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