New Year's Resolutions

Exercise more – starting with running late to things.

Eat healthier – by adding vegetables to pizza.

Save money – by only buying things I absolutely don’t need.

Read more – menus, instructions, terms and conditions.

Drink more water – preferably when it’s in the form of coffee.

Sleep earlier – or at least nap strategically during meetings.

Declutter my house – by shoving everything into one mysterious “miscellaneous” drawer.

Be more organized – digitally, emotionally, spiritually… starting next week.

Travel more – by visiting rooms in my house I never use.

Learn something new – like how to politely ignore group texts.

Spend less time on my phone – and more time trying to remember where I put it.

Get abducted by aliens – and return with a souvenir.