Stupid bosses and brilliant retorts.

Boss. We don't need to spend that much on tooling.
Expert. Good wood needs good metal.
Boss. Whats that big ugly knot doing there ?
Expert. I didn't grow the damn tree.
Boss. I can't afford to give you a raise !
Expert. But you can afford a Lexus and three investment properties ?
Boss. Why is morale so low on the shop floor ?
Expert. Two years in a row you broke your pay rise promise.
Boss. I could just as easily do this better myself  !
Expert. With your one cheap nasty chisel ? 
Your not using mine. 
Boss. We missed our dead line again.
Expert. And how many weeks forward did you push it this time ?
Boss. This machine is perfectly adequate and accurate.
Expert. Show me then.
Boss. I'm going to have to lay you all off before Christmass.
Expert. Dont bother calling me back in the new year.
Boss. I can work wood as good as you guy's. 
Expert. No comment, rolls eyes and walks away.
Boss. Your supposed to start at 6 am. On the dot !
Expert. And you just rolled up at 9.45.
Boss. I don't put up with excuses.
Expert. Okay. Then buy some machinery that actually works properly. 
Boss. My wife just left me.
Expert. I can't think why. 
Boss. I shouldn't have to put up with your back talk. 
Expert. But I come so cheap !
Boss. My last foreman really knew what he was doing.
Expert. Obviously. He's not here anymore.
Boss. I'm thinking about giving you a raise.
Expert. Everytime you start thinking we start preparing. For the worst. 
Boss. I'm looking at that pile of scraps and seeing money in charcuterie board's.
Expert. Let me guess, your boyfriend bought you a manscaping shaver for your birthday.
Boss. What do you think of my man bun ?
Expert. I mistook you for the cleaning lady.
Boss. We are moving in to epoxy water fall tables.
Expert. Here's my letter of resignation.