HELP!!! I need Woodturner jokes!! *OT* (sort of) *LINK*
Jim Barbour
I have spent the past year of my tenure as President of the Piedmont Triad Woodturners opening each meeting with an admittedly bad woodturner joke. Many are of the "you know you might be a woodturner if ..." type. Others are full blown story-type jokes. I have searched the web and found quite a few, but surely there are more out there.
If you know a good, suitable for polite, mixed company, woodturner joke, please send it to me, privately if you wish,
Thanks in advance,
~ jim
Here's one source, another is the several "you might be a woodturner if ..." pages. I have these already.
Jim, the one I've used several times and got good laughs was actually a true story. I used it a couple of times during turning demos (in different clubs, of course). However, I have no idea if it would work for your venue since it doesn't sound like the "secrets" setup would work.
I started by straight-manning myself with a line about giving the group all of my secrets about turning long, thin spindles.
Then I told about the time...
... I was at a ventriloquist convention a few years ago. (good fun!) A well-know performer was giving a little seminar on audience interaction and brought up dealing with spontaneous interaction. Basically, he said it was too risky, it almost always flops. But he said every once in a while something works out.
He was doing a show in Las Vegas and after he did a magic trick some guy in the audience yelled down "How'd you do that?"
He gave the guy the standard answer, "If I told you I'd have to kill you."
There was a perfect pause and the guy hollered back: "Tell my wife."
It brought the house down. The next night he hired a guy to sit in the audience and holler "How'd you do that?" !!!
Of course, I ad libbed a little and as always, timing and expression is everything. As I said, I have no idea if it would work for your venue.
There are a couple of threads on "You might be a woodworker if" on another forum, incuding lines like this line from 2007 post: "...Your pickup has oversize brakes and a quick-release mount for your chain saw."
You buy a bandsaw that costs more than your lathe... for the sole purpose of rounding out bowl blanks.
I didn't read but a couple. This is one guy's post.
I liked this line: "You name your kids “Chuck” and “Burl”..."
Others lines in this post, maybe not so much:
You feel this unexplainable emptiness every time you throw a piece of wood in the fire...
You have some really nice power tools in your shop... and you struggle to remember the last time you used them.
You have a hard time finding a pen around the house that isn't made of wood... and you give your wife and kids nasty looks any time they pick up a plastic pen.
Your wife doesn't bother to call around looking for you any more. She just goes out to the shop when she needs you for anything.
You nearly caused a car accident because you thought you saw some logs on the side of the road…
You name your dogs “Banjo”, “Jet”, “Oliver”, or “Spalty”
At your spouse’s suggestion, you put a telephone, TV, and refrigerator in your shop... so you don't have to "carry sawdust into the house all day."
You really - honestly - whole-heartedly - are torn between taking that vacation in Hawaii and buying that new big-bad lathe with the 25" swing.
You think that any round or cylindrical household item can - and should - be replaced by something you make... from table legs to the toilet paper roll holder.
You’ve walked around your neighborhood – checking your neighbors’ trees for burls.
Golf clubs? Yeah… they’re around here somewhere.
Heat on in the shop? Absolutely. Heat on in the house? “Go put on a sweater.”
Maybe there is a gem or two or at least a gem of an idea somewhere in these threads you could turn into a good joke or two. (I think there are a lot of messages) Send me a note if you want some links.
JKJ
Re: HELP!!! I need Woodturner jokes!! *OT* (sort of) *LINK*
"You really - honestly - whole-heartedly - are torn between taking that vacation in Hawaii and buying that new big-bad lathe with the 25" swing. "
What vacation in Hawaii- that's not even a decision I'd be torn with. Unless of course it was to select and come back with lots of that great wood they have.
Re: HELP!!! I need Woodturner jokes!! *OT* (sort of) *LINK*
It was hard to tell if her response was a growl or a groan. If her predecessor Burl were still alive, he wouldn't have gotten it. I like to tell people that I name all my dog friends something tree related. It all started with Root, who was an incredible dog. When Burl was a pup, I named him Bark, because I thought it would be cool to have a dog that could say his name. After lots of effort working with him, I changed his name to Burl. ha
Sassy"s middle name is Bark, and she will proudly tell you her full name which I think is pretty cute, but not as much fun as leaning in and asking her to blow me a kiss. She will just smack her lips.
Re: HELP!!! I need Woodturner jokes!! *OT* (sort of) *LINK*
I buy the paper newspaper for two primary and several secondary reasons.
The Top Ten reasons I get a newspaper, in no particular order:
1) I read the paper every day on my iPad. I don't watch TV or browse newsfeeds so this is how I keep up with the news. To get the "full image" edition here you have to purchase a subscription. The price of the subscription gets me the paper version and online version unless I would tell them to not send the paper copy.
2) My Lovely Bride, the best cook in the southeast, wants the paper version of the cooking section every Wednesday. She reads and sometimes cuts out a few of the recipes. She likes to read and circle things from the grocery ads which also come on Wednesday. She is also the best frugal chef in the area. She is a happy person. When mama is happy, everyone is happy.
3) I give the other papers to the family down the street without financial means. We have a system. I put the paper in an old camouflaged plastic box between two trees by the road and put a brick on top to signal it contains the paper. The llamas guard the box. The law probably checks it occasionally for contraband. The very nice guy down the road reads it and shares some of it with his elderly mother. I also give him firewood which he gets burning with some of the paper. He watches the neighborhood and disposes of trespassers. Win-win!
4) The comic pages are great for wrapping presents. That's my cheap nature again.
5) To combine two beehives when needed, one excellent procedure is to place a layer of newspaper between the hive with a queen and the one without put on top. I spray the new bees with sugar water too. By the time the bees eat through the paper the queen's pheromones permeate and the new bees accept her as their queen. Otherwise there will be a war and many innocent bees lives will be lost.
6) Lighting the smoker before working the bees is easiest by lighting several strips torn from newspaper, then adding pine needles or other combustibles.
7) My new stainless steel burn barrel is easily started with a sheet of newspaper.
eight) It keeps the recycling people busy!
9) It lets the poor guy who delivers at 4am keep his job.
10) Oh, did you know it is good for packing material? :-)
However, if our newspaper company offered a significant discount for dropping the printed version I'd do it in a heartbeat (I'm a card-carrying cheapskate) so I'd go buy the Wednesday edition from the newsstand. Priority: keep mama happy.
JKJ
Re: HELP!!! I need Woodturner jokes!! *OT* (sort of) *LINK*
I had some airline miles that were going to expire unless I "did something". The cheapest thing I could do was to use them to get a three month subscription to the local paper... so that is what I did. Every day, the guy would throw one in the driveway. I'd generally throw it directly into recycling...unless I needed to mail something.
I kept a couple for starting fires in my outdoor fire pit. The fireplace is usually fed by junk mail, of which I have no shortage. Occasionally, I'd read the police bloter to see if anyone I knew did something stupid. Turns out that I lead a pretty boring life and my friends are not criminals.
I'm just sort of wondering when the newspaper will go the way of the VCR? I felt sorry for the people that called me 3X per day when my subscription expired and I explained to them what I used their hard work for? It's really something that should probably stop, sort of like landline phones, CD players (BlueRay reads DVD, CD...), and a bunch of other things from the good old days...
S
P.S. I used to live for the Sunday Comics...
Re: HELP!!! I need Woodturner jokes!! *OT* (sort of) *LINK*
