AXES BEFORE TAXES
MARTIN 2028 – Put a Viking in the Oval Office
Campaign Promises – Sacred Cow Edition
I will treat the Constitution the way most politicians already do: as a decorative shield.
We’ll hang it on the wall, recite selected bits with great solemnity, and then govern exactly as power and convenience require. The only difference is I’ll stop pretending the parchment is in charge.
Elections will be rebranded as formalized raids.
We already pour enormous resources into capturing territory (voters), plant flags, declare victory, and then largely ignore the people who live there until the next cycle. Might as well drop the civic poetry and call it what the incentives have made it.
The military will keep its budget, but lose the mythology.
No more “defending freedom” speeches while the actual mission stays flexible. We’ll just say the quiet part: large, permanent armed forces exist because great powers keep them. The rest is storytelling for the home crowd.
Free speech will be protected exactly as far as the powerful find useful.
I’ll be honest about the current arrangement. You may speak freely until your words threaten something the system actually values. Then the consequences arrive wearing different clothes—platform rules, career damage, or selective enforcement. The principle remains optional.
The American Dream will be updated to match the math.
Work hard, follow the rules, and you too can… compete for a shrinking share of security while the people who already have the longships keep the better harbor. I’ll stop selling the old map.
Expertise and “the science” will be treated as tools, not oracles.
When data serves the preferred story it will be called settled. When it doesn’t, it will be called complicated, incomplete, or in need of further study. I’ll simply admit the pattern instead of demanding reverence.
Patriotism will be optional and non-theatrical.
No more mandatory emotional performances at sporting events, political rallies, or school assemblies. Love of place is fine. Compulsory displays of it are just another loyalty test, and loyalty tests are for weaker systems.
Identity will stop being treated as destiny or moral currency.
Group membership will neither grant automatic virtue nor automatic guilt. The Viking position is simple: judge the person in front of you by what they do, not by the banner they were handed at birth. Everything else is politics wearing a moral mask.
The news will be recognized as a combat arm.
Not a neutral mirror of reality, but a set of factions fighting for narrative territory. I’ll stop asking it to be something it hasn’t been in a long time and start treating it as the battlefield it is.
When the system fails, I will not promise to “restore faith in institutions.”
Faith is what you demand when performance no longer justifies itself. I’d rather the public keep its skepticism sharp. Institutions that need belief more than results are already halfway to the burial mound.
Rename The White House to The White Longhouse
Designate Trump’s new ballroom as Valhalla Hall staffed by Valkyries.
Replace the national anthem
It’s violent and hard to sing.
Replace it with something easier and more appropriate … preferably involving the Harp Twins.
Skål, and may the polls be ever in your favor!