Turning Archive

Re: HELP!!! I need Woodturner jokes!! *OT* (sort

John K Jordan
Jim, the one I've used several times and got good laughs was actually a true story. I used it a couple of times during turning demos (in different clubs, of course). However, I have no idea if it would work for your venue since it doesn't sound like the "secrets" setup would work.

I started by straight-manning myself with a line about giving the group all of my secrets about turning long, thin spindles.

Then I told about the time...

... I was at a ventriloquist convention a few years ago. (good fun!) A well-know performer was giving a little seminar on audience interaction and brought up dealing with spontaneous interaction. Basically, he said it was too risky, it almost always flops. But he said every once in a while something works out.

He was doing a show in Las Vegas and after he did a magic trick some guy in the audience yelled down "How'd you do that?"

He gave the guy the standard answer, "If I told you I'd have to kill you."

There was a perfect pause and the guy hollered back: "Tell my wife."

It brought the house down. The next night he hired a guy to sit in the audience and holler "How'd you do that?" !!!

Of course, I ad libbed a little and as always, timing and expression is everything. As I said, I have no idea if it would work for your venue.

There are a couple of threads on "You might be a woodworker if" on another forum, incuding lines like this line from 2007 post: "...Your pickup has oversize brakes and a quick-release mount for your chain saw."
You buy a bandsaw that costs more than your lathe... for the sole purpose of rounding out bowl blanks.

I didn't read but a couple. This is one guy's post.
I liked this line: "You name your kids “Chuck” and “Burl”..."
Others lines in this post, maybe not so much:

You feel this unexplainable emptiness every time you throw a piece of wood in the fire...
You have some really nice power tools in your shop... and you struggle to remember the last time you used them.
You have a hard time finding a pen around the house that isn't made of wood... and you give your wife and kids nasty looks any time they pick up a plastic pen.
Your wife doesn't bother to call around looking for you any more. She just goes out to the shop when she needs you for anything.
You nearly caused a car accident because you thought you saw some logs on the side of the road…
You name your dogs “Banjo”, “Jet”, “Oliver”, or “Spalty”
At your spouse’s suggestion, you put a telephone, TV, and refrigerator in your shop... so you don't have to "carry sawdust into the house all day."
You really - honestly - whole-heartedly - are torn between taking that vacation in Hawaii and buying that new big-bad lathe with the 25" swing.
You think that any round or cylindrical household item can - and should - be replaced by something you make... from table legs to the toilet paper roll holder.
You’ve walked around your neighborhood – checking your neighbors’ trees for burls.
Golf clubs? Yeah… they’re around here somewhere.
Heat on in the shop? Absolutely. Heat on in the house? “Go put on a sweater.”

Maybe there is a gem or two or at least a gem of an idea somewhere in these threads you could turn into a good joke or two. (I think there are a lot of messages) Send me a note if you want some links.


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